Thursday 3 July 2014

A Guide to TV & Film The 21st Century

Do you feel left out at work when people at work talk about all the latest TV shows and you don't even know what they are? It's pretty hard to keep up so I've compiled a handy list of all the most culturally relevant things on TV for you to watch.


TV Shows: 

Homeland - First up is Homeland, in which Damien Lewis' character wakes up in Afghanistan with amnesia and tries to figure out whether or not he's gay. It's pretty good but also sort of shit too. Sometimes his family are really boring and so are his weird government friends.

The Walking Dead - Kind of like a soap opera but with zombies (zombies are very in right now - not sure if this is irony or not.) Sometimes the characters just sit around talking complete shit for a whole hour and nothing really happens, but occasionally bad actors in underwhelming zombie gear turn up and start grring at people and biting them on the shoulder. All the characters are shit.

Game of Thrones - Sort of like Lord of the Rings except with midgets instead of dwarves. 

Breaking Bad - Hal from Malcolm in the Middle and his retarded son take on Mexican bandits in this balls to the wall adventure. There's lots of violence but there's also an educational chemistry section in each episode so you might want to check it out yourself before deciding whether or not it's family friendly.

The Only Way is Essex/Made in Chelsea/Jersey Boys 4/Real Life Scousers - I'm not entirely sure what these shows are or why the men look like that but it's all pretty popular right now. I think it's meant to be a reality show but then they start using these weird catchphrases and comebacks that aren't particularly witty or funny but are too quick for self-tan lads and date-rape muscle guys to come up with. Sometimes the girls have fights but usually they're pretty shit, and watching the sex scenes somehow feels much grubbier than watching actual porn.

The Sopranos - Mark my words. This is going to be huge.

Orange is the New Black - This is one for the ladies, a comedy drama about a rich white girl that goes to proper prison. Not particularly good but also not that bad considering all of the main characters are women.

Hollyoaks - Young people love Hollyoaks. It's very in right now. Also a bonus for the 18+ viewers is the special late night Hollyoaks After Dark editions like Hollyoaks: No Turning Back, Hollyoaks: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, and my personal favourite, Hollyoaks: Rape Night.

Storage Wars/Big Boxes/Mystery Surprise/Airport Luggage Dopamine Release - A number of the most important and culturally relevant shows of today involve stuff like mystery boxes and spiky-hair fat guys with bowling shirts and weird sunglasses. What's in the old knife box they found in this dead person's private property? Knives? Surprise money? You'll have to wait until after the ads to see. I'm also not always sure if these shows are real but they are pretty good and contain lots of little mini-surprises and mysteries for you to lap up like a horrid little dog. My own idea for one of these shows, 'Tutankhamun Tomb Raiders Box Auction: What's In His Crypt?' has yet to be picked up and I am still open to any offers.

True Detective - Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson try to get to the bottom of what happened to Matthew McConaughey in his sixth-form philosophy class and why he is such an impossibly smug twat. Essential viewing.

The Great British Bake-Off - Don't watch this if you're easily put off your food. Not only do the cakes always look like shit but there's an extremely old lady on it, far too old to be on TV. I like to watch cookery shows with dinner but not this one. I used to hate eating at my gran's house because her skin and general appearance would always put me off my food and this show is no different. Nobody is supposed to be that old.

Come Dine With Me - Although there is a winner at the end of each edition, this is basically a show about losers. Anti-social and abrasive wine-drunk mums talk over each other and interrupt sad looking chucklesome post-office widowers and depressed fathers over mediocre dinners. That said, the people don't always have kids, and the ones that don't are usually the saddest and most annoying ones. I think the hormones released after you have kids level you out and make you less of a cunt so some of these people have missed out there and the dinner-party atmosphere suffers as a result. Occasionally somebody throws a glass of wine or shits themself but usually they just make really catty comments about each other and then pretend to make up on the third night. Essential viewing as well.

The World Cup - Okay this isn't a TV show but it's pretty good. Brazilian golden boy Neymar mostly seems to be the star of the show and he's quite good too. He sort of looks like a furry but one with a good body and healthy skin. They should dress him up like a little fox and make him the Brazil mascot.



Movies:

Grown Ups - Adam Sandler's greatest work to date and one of the finest and most emotionally resonant comedies to have ever graced our screens. A towering work of staggering genius propelled by a handful of excellent performances, most notably Kevin James, who is absolutely electrifying and utterly convincing from start to finish.

Gravity - A film about Sandra Bullock being trapped in space and being accused of being a sexist. George Clooney is also there but I don't think he's properly trapped in space, I think he can go back whenever he wants to but chooses not to because he likes it there.

Edge of Tomorrow - A student film about Edging.

Pacific Rim - Very similar to Edge of Tomorrow except the budget was bigger and it's about Rimming instead of Edging.

12 Years a Slave - A "Be careful what you wish for!" film about a black guy that is granted one wish by a genie and foolishly chooses time travel. The condition of being granted this wish is that he has to go back to 1841 as a slave and stay there for 12 years. There are laughs, thrills, and some sad moments too, but mostly it's too hard to feel involved or to care about the characters for this to be a real classic. 7/10 from me.

Grown Ups 2 - Probably the best sequel of all time but still not up to par with the original. David Spade crushes it in this one though.

Lincoln - You know that feeling you get in an argument where you get all worked up and your voice starts going all strained and high pitched and it feels good and you aren't really angry anymore but you don't want to stop? Lincoln is a film about Daniel Day-Lewis' character Abraham Lincoln, an American politician from the olden days, going through that exact experience on a number of occasions. Most of his friends are straight up boring so he sometimes does weird voices and stuff to stay sane during their shit meetings. He doesn't really care for black people much but he likes them more than most of his friends do.

Captain Phillips - A Harry Brown style drama in which Tom Hanks plays a retired army captain that gets sick of all the black guys in his neighbourhood and takes matters into his own hands. Midway through the movie they kidnap him and he has to fight his way off a boat. Not particularly realistic and a little bit racist but quite good fun all the same. 6/10 from me.



That's about all for now but soon I'll be posting a list of some of the most groundbreaking and culturally relevant music of today.