Thursday 6 February 2014

The Great War




Where to start? First off, you should NEVER masturbate, it's bad for the universe. You probably look incredibly stupid when you do it too. What you should do instead is walk around with a hard-on like a 14 year old all day, have wet dreams, and get prostate cancer.

Secondly, if you're going to insist on masturbating like a horrid little grub, please always have respect for those around you and do it with the door open.

Next up in third, GO TO FUCKING CHURCH. MASTURBATING IS ONE THING BUT CHURCH?!?!? YOU LOVE TO GO TO CHURCH. GO TO THE CHURCH YOU FUCKING CUNT.

... You love church. You love our father who art in heaven. Staying home to masturbate? Really? I thought you were better than that. I think your mother did too. Think about that next time you have one of your dirty little wanks.

If any of my friends was wanking as much as you are (or even at all!) I would be having stern words with them...

"Look friend, we are all sinners. We all have troubles, but your masturbating has gotten out of hand. You're in there all day, with the door locked. I can never get in and look at you. I can never see how it looks while you do it. How am I supposed to help you if I don't see you doing it? Does science have an answer for that? Richard Hawkins? No, he doesn't. You need to at least open the door a bit when you do it so that I can help you with your troubles."

"I can't stop the wanking yet. I need just one more wank."

"I am here to guide you, brother. I can guide you, but only you can open the door.. I mean that as a metaphor but also I'd like you to start leaving your door open again. You did it that one time and I saw what you were doing in there, I came in and stuff but you got all awkward after that and haven't done it since."

"I've been wounded on the battlefield."

"Yeah."

"In our modern society the enemy has spread fear of getting involved when someone's in trouble."

"Yeah I'm gonna need you to start leaving your door open so I can watch."

"You mustn't speak up about what you have seen. Our modern society has created a stigma against that. You must not tell anybody."

"Well I won't see anything if you keep locking your door."

"I've been wounded on the battlefield."

"I need to see it again. Don't masturbate tonight, but if you do make sure you leave your door open. I will come by at about 8."

"I've been wounded on the battlefield."

"There is darkness in your eyes."