Wednesday 22 January 2014

The Ally Way



A contemporary imagining of Hell:

You are held captive starved of food and water for days. Probably bum-raped too.

You are taken to a room where you are told that there will be refreshments and that things are going to change, you will be allowed to watch TV now. You won't be bum-raped anymore.

The tray of refreshments is brought in and the only food available is psilocybin mushrooms.

You eat the entire bowl out of sheer desperation and then realise the mistake you've made.

You realise you're dehydrated and that this is not going to make things any better, you ask for your drink. You are given only ice cold Red Bull energy drinks and piping hot coffees.

You tell yourself that at least coffee has water in and will give you energy. You burn your mouth trying to drink it and spend the next ten minutes drinking red bull to try to soothe the burns.

You start to feel the magic mushrooms kick in and realise that they're probably kicking in so early because you took them on an empty stomach. In a caffeine and hunger enduced delirium you eat the next bowl of mushrooms, in an effort to solve the empty stomach problem.

You feel the universe start to shake, everything around you is rippling and shifting at a dizzying speed. Everything is spinning and you are beyond control. You are bum-raped again.

You hear a loud clunking sound and suddenly all the walls light up, you realise that the walls, floor and ceiling are all giant TV screens.

The TV screens begin playing The Ally Way at deafening volume, over and over and over again.

You are too far gone to remember how to close your eyes, you run around the room, crazed, shitting mushrooms and red bull down yourself for the rest of eternity.
 


 


 

 

For the rest of eternity.



Lose Yourself!

A deleted scene from V for Vendetta in which Jodie Foster dresses up as a pilgrim and performs Eminem's Lose Yourself:


Bodie Broadus and The FIFA Scripting Conspiracy

A few years ago I had a brief obsession with conspiracy theories, generally the more far-fetched the better. I started to become increasingly paranoid that FEMA (I still don't know what that stands for or what FEMA actually is) were going to start rounding people up and sending us to death camps as part of a global eugenics programme designed to eliminate large portions of society in order to free up space and resources for the elites. The idea, in my mind, was that they wanted to trim the fat of society so that Rupert Murdoch and Barack Obama and the Royal Family could live together on the world's remaining resources. Presumably once this was put into action they were going to get together and drink children's blood from cups made out of diamonds and give each other lizard blowjobs.

I'm too perpetually baffled by the world to ever really rule anything out entirely, but in retrospect I realise the lizard blowjobs part was probably taking it a bit far. I never used to let anything silly like proper research get in the way of one of my manic episodes of conspiracy fear, but to be honest had I done so I don't really think google searches for "WILL BARACK OBAMA AND THE ROYAL FAMILY GIVE EACH LIZARD BLOWJOBS AFTER I AM DEAD??" would have proved conclusive. The same is almost always the case with conspiracy theories.

Try googling "ALL CATS ARE AN EXTENSION OF GEORGE GALLOWAY'S MIND AND WHEN YOU PET YOUR CAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SEXUALLY PLEASURING HIM"  and find out if it's true or not. You can't, because I just made it up (hopefully), and because there's no way of proving it. Even if George Galloway came out and said it, we would still never know for sure. I'm not saying that means conspiracy theories are all made up, what I'm saying is sometimes it's hard to tell, and it's hard to blame a brotha for being caught slippin' once in a while. Also I'm pretty sure Nelson Mandela was into a lot of the same conspiracy theories as me, which sort of tells you that me and him were on kind of on the same level in a way, but he's dead now so there is no way of finding out if this is true or not.

Think of this next time you touch your little puss.

Anyway, I have a new conspiracy theory now. For a long time I've been pretty obsessed with the FIFA games, I'd never really been into playing them online, and then recently I discovered Ultimate Team. My life was promptly put on hold and I started to became more and more like a living human fart. I've never been so obsessed with a game. I loved my team (Crisbz FC, the greatest football club in the world) like they were my family. In fact I loved them a lot more than my family. Together we won a lot of trophies in a very short period of time. Things were good, I was unbeatable.

The thing is though, when I started to lose, I didn't just lose a bit, I started losing hard. Hard like George Galloway's cock when you tickle behind your cats ears. I couldn't understand how I kept losing, I kept coming up with different reasons; I was too stoned, or I hadn't eaten enough that day, or it was lagging too much for me to play properly.

I started becoming even more suspicious and angry after one particularly bad game in which I was beaten by somebody who not only was clearly a much worse player than me, but who also had entered the game with a much worse team, and one whose average player stamina was about 40%, compared to mine who were all more or less on 100%. (For those that don't play FIFA, that makes a big difference.) Anyway, despite being completely nackered, his players were for the most part able to outrun mine and outshoot them. He had a few shots on target that all went in, I had about 20 that all either rocketed off the post or were saved by his suddenly world-class goalkeeper.

After this match I realised something was wrong. Almost every single time the ball was deflected or I made a tackle, it ended up landing perfectly at the feet of one of his in-space players. "THIS GAME IS RIGGED.", I kept yelling, completely aware of what a prick I sounded. "IT'S DEFINITELY RIGGED AND THEY WANT ME TO LOSE." By the time the final whistle went I was making what I can only imagine was a very similar face to the one made by the one of the vultures in the Jungle Book during the ending, where Shere Khan forces them to watch as he covers himself in mud violently sodomizes Mowgli for 10 minutes (pretty sure that happens, haven't seen Jungle Book in a while). It was a look of sheer disgust and outrage. How could they have done this to me? To my boys? To Crisbz? It was wrong and I would not stand for it.

A google search for "FIFA 13 Ultimate Team is RIGGED???" proved a little more successful than the lizard blowjob one (I tried it, nothing useful, just a bunch of boring factual stuff). There are a huge number of people that believe it to be a rigged, or "scripted" game. We're possibly all fairly bitter, and maybe somewhat in denial about our own abilities at FIFA and life in general, but the fact still stands that lots of people have noticed the same things. Players suddenly playing like shit, not being able to run, ball magnetism (pyramids???), losing against very poor teams, or just games seeming somehow pre-determined one way or another.

Given my track record with conspiracy theories, I'm aware that I should always proceed carefully and question these things, but after having researched it fairly thoroughly and thought about it a lot, I can say, with a great deal of confidence that FIFA scripting is definitely real. It's not really a question of if it exists or not, it's just a question of how it exists, and to what extent.

The game is free to play but you can buy FIFA points that will let you buy more players. The idea is that the game is scripted to throw games to weaker players (often children with no sense of what is and isn't worth spending money on, and access to their parents credit cards), so that they don't quit the game after being thrashed in every one of their first 10 games. Another theory is that after you've established yourself and become addicted, the game gradually gets more and more difficult so that you end up being tempted into buying FIFA points to get back to where you were. This seems plausible, I'm normally pretty uptight when it comes to paying for additional content on games, but until this whole scripting revelation came out I was seriously considering investing real life money (of which I have none) into my team to make us contenders again. At this point the game probably would have given me win after win, in order to encourage my recent spending. I'm sure EA Sports are pretty up on people's reward systems and what makes people do certain things.

I've never really been politically active, or as into "social justice" as I probably should be. Being apathetic is as much an excuse as it is a reality for me. I find it extremely difficult to care because there's just too much stuff, and also because mostly I just don't care. I think this is the case for a lot of people, and as a result we tend to only really care about things that in some way relate to us. I've never been on a protest, but if crisps and wanking were made illegal I'd probably be out marching with banners and face paint and everything. I say this by way of explaining that the only goings on in the world in the past few years that have really genuinely riled me up have been this FIFA thing and being arrested for weed. That probably tells you quite a lot about where I'm at right now.

Being a complete manchild, I found the whole thing pretty hard to deal with. I'd been obsessed with Crisbz. As cliched and self-pitying as it sounds, it was at that point pretty much my only form of escape from real life and my mountain of anxieties. Had I really been living a lie all this time? What about my wins? Were those real??? Was anything real? What if real life had scripting too? Maybe that's why sometimes taking a shit feels nice and sometimes it's horrible and scary. What was anger and fear soon turned into depression and acceptance. I became, in my mind, like the Bodie Broadus of FIFA, more specifically when he talks to McNulty at the park. I'm like Bodie in this scene in a number of ways, first of all because we are both extremely streetwise and well dressed, but also because we've both become disillusioned with our respective worlds and feel like things are unfair.



I still play Ultimate Team, but not as much. I certainly don't invest anywhere near the same level of emotion into it, which is probably a good thing. Things have changed for me now, I've started thinking about politics more. I hope to one day become President of the New World Order so that I can ban FIFA scripting, using FEMA as my personal army. I would also legalize weed and probably make some kind of free handjobs rule at doctor's offices.

6 Years Ago Today



"Ok, I think I got it. 3-4 letters of water, and not the ice water thing? And then mount the broom handle?"

"yes but you need to stop jacking of for about a week (7days)"

"And what about the ice water thing?"

"no dont do that. but stop 3 to 4 time right b4 u get an orgasm, trust me it just fells better."

"Are you sure?"

"yes, ur mom does it [if u have one], ur dad does it too [if u have one], ur brother and sisters too [if u have them]."

"I don't really like the sound of this anymore."

"mount it and then a way go have some fun and    w  a  n  k."

Thursday 9 January 2014

Lesbian Cousin?



I am wearing goggles around my neck and it is Japan.


If you stare at these two things for long enough you can pretty much figure out what happened in the 30 years between them.

Wednesday 8 January 2014

will.i.am

I've seen a number of will.i.am videos recently, thankfully none of which have been of his music, mostly just interviews, press conferences, tv appearances etc. All of which have lead me to the same question: What exactly is wrong with will.i.am?

Drugs? Anti-depressants? The pressures of fame? Could it be that he's just like that?

For the most part I can't even begin to understand what he's saying. Take this short clip for example:




The first 45 seconds or so seem reasonable enough; logos shouldn't be too big, logos should look nice, logos, your logo, put a logo on it, your logo should have it's own logo etc etc.

From there on things get a little bit weird. Apparently you have to think of what India is going to do to the world, and about how India is going to create this symbolic language. India is unique because they speak English but they have a different alphabet. Symbology and logos are going to play a big role in that. A new understanding of symbols will emerge.

It's hard to tell if he's talking complete shit about branding, or actually prophesizing some kind of seismic New World Order takeover type event.

Are you ready for the future of symbols?

Up next we have will.i.am at an Intel conference, baffling the shit out of everybody. He pretty much spends the best part of 6 minutes unpicking pubic hairs from a plughole in his brain and somehow still manages to get a fairly warm response. Watch the Intel lady putting on a smile and talking to him as if he is an actual human being from planet earth.


"Because you've never... y'know.. other than.. Mac... It's exciting the to come up with.. new... tools from the creators perspective, y'know... Wh-what would a device look like that's made to... make music, and share music, and have that connection one to many.. that hasn't been done from... y'know... the viewpoint, of the artist. And that's what's amazing this relationship is awesome to create products... or even attempt, this is, this is.. beyond... I love it."

y'know.

Yes, will.i.am, I do know. I know that you have no idea what you are talking about.

After causing the entire turnout of an Intel conference to forget what Intel actually is, and making us all at home question why we were put here on this earth and whether or not we will ever escape the multiverse, will.i.am turns his attention toward the world of Formula One racing.


He asks us to remember, or.. no, not even remember, imagine.. umm... Shoemaker, the... (shoe maker?)... car driver...  or or or... Lewis.... who drives for... Mercedes? Yes. When Lewis & Shoemaker drive around that track, they represent Mercedes. Well GUESS WHAT? will.i.am goes around a track too, it's called THE INTERNET. But people don't know he's driving an intel processor. That's the part most people don't know. We KNOW he's driving around a track called THE INTERNET, but we never realised that actually he was driving around it on an intel processor. Do you see now? Do you understand why he is here? If you can't understand this then I very much doubt you will be ready to join us in the Symbol World when the time comes. We are going to speak a new language, it will be English, but it will also be all Symbols. Symbology and logos and THE INTERNET are going to play a big role in that. A new understanding of symbols will emerge. Are you prepared? Are you ready? Are you ready to see how your brand changes into an ever-shifting inter-dimensional logo in the parralel world? Are you ready for SYMBOLS?

Ø«▲INDIA«▲¢¶▲Øwill.i.am«▲◊NWO○▲«▲●«Ø
SECRET ILLUMINATI PYRAMID NIPPLE SLIP
will.i.am? will.are.U?
▲¢¶will.r.u.ready.4.symbols.to.takeover.the.world??▲¢¶A«the.internetO¢¶wot.am.i ¢¶O○sYM¢b0ls▲india«A
¢¶IA«▲¢¶▲Øwm«▲◊WO○▲
will.i.am.the.truthspeakers day shall cometh

WO○▲
ll.i¢¶▲Øll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢ll.i¢
the day of symbols is upon us
ll.i¢
 

I'm Going To Do This Instead




"You know I couldn't fit this award in my bag but I did find this..."

You found a joint? But-

What?

Why? I don't understand.

Putting aside how unbelievably immature and embarrassing this is, it also makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

"I couldn't fit this award in my bag" - What? You were only just given the award and you put it on the floor. Why would you put it in your bag anyway? Why did you even bring your bag? Shutup.

"But I did find this" - What do you mean "but"? How is you taking a joint out of your bag a substitute for not putting an award in your bag? What do those two things have to do with each other? What on earth are you talking about? Shutup.

I cannot even begin to understand how she thought this would be cool. This is cool in the same way that it would be cool if I turned up at a bar with a leather jacket and started tipping my sunglasses at girls and winking.


Wednesday 1 January 2014

Are You Geared Up? Yes Of Course?



Basically, people that have normal phones just go around dropping things all the time. I have a normal phone and it's sort of like being the antagonist character in a Disney Channel show. Every time I'm about to get the girl some sort of slapstick thing happens because I haven't got the right gear and I end up going home alone with a scowl on my face. I can never buy wine because it just doesn't work because of my phone.

This guy, on the other hand, is like fucking Batman. He can pretty much do whatever he wants because of this thing. He followed the lady all the way down the slope, took 64 pictures of her on his watch, and she didn't even mind! I'll have what he's having!

Newsflash lame-os, if you haven't got the right gear, you can forget about doing cool stuff like this when you're out with hot babes:


He can just leave it right there on the balcony, and he doesn't have to worry about somebody stealing it or knocking it over onto the ice cold snowy ski slopes below because he's geared the fuck up.



Nice work, Derren Brown.


In real life guys like this don't sleep with hot blonde European girls. In real life guys like this are overly-confident nerds. 

"Check out my phone watch, give me your number."
"No thanks, this other guy seems nicer and more fun. I think I'm going to hang out with him tonight because he seems more likely to fuck me properly. I think that's why he has a regular phone."
"Ok but I'm going to take a lot of pictures of you while you go down this slope."
"Please don't do that."
"Ok, I'm going to anyway."
"Please don't."
"Ok fine, I will. Go on, off you go, I'll be at the bar later with these pictures. I'm going to get us some wine and I won't drop it because if somebody rings me I can answer with my watch. I'm going to provide music for us on my watch-phone combo because most bars don't play music."
"Please don't come to the bar later."
"I'm going to. Have you seen my phone? It's also a watch, Ha!"
"I'm going now. Please don't follow me or I will tell the people at the lodge."
"You can tell them whatever you like, I have a watch that is also a phone. They are never going to believe you."